Birth of the Federation
By monkee
Summary: How did the humans become so important so quickly? There just has to be a logical explanation for it...
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Enterprise and, come to think of it, the entire Federation.
~*~
Somewhere in the Alpha Quadrant, in 2161...
Soval the Vulcan: We are all in agreement then. The cooperative species in this part of the quadrant must unite, and form a federation of planets.
Shran the Andorian: Agreed. Now we have to decide where this Federation should be based. (scowls at Soval) I already know what you're going to say.
Soval the Vulcan: Vulcan is the logical choice. We have the necessary organizational skills, the technology, and the space.
Sid the Suliban: The space? All you have is hot, dry desert. Now, on OUR home planet...
Soval the Vulcan: You can't join. I don't even know who invited you.
Sid the Suliban: Excuse me? The Suliban wield great power in these parts. We must be included!
Shran the Andorian: I hate to say it, but I agree with the Vulcan. I have a bad feeling about you people. I suspect that a hundred years from now, no one will even have heard of you.
[Sid the Suliban leaves in a huff.]
Roger the Rigellian: If it's space you need, we have it. There are a dozen habitable planets in our system.
T'Pol the Vulcan: No. I recommend Earth as our center of operations.
Archer the Human: That sounds pretty neat. I second the motion!
Soval the Vulcan: (sputters angrily to T'Pol) Have you lost your mind? (remembers that he's a Vulcan and calms himself with a deep, cleansing breath) That is NOT a logical suggestion. The Humans have only been in space for a short time. They have limited experience in matters of diplomacy.
T'Pol the Vulcan: (calmly) The Federation Council must be based on Earth, and you know why.
Soval the Vulcan: I do not know why. Please enlighten me. What do the Humans have that makes them so special?
T'Pol the Vulcan: (to Shran) YOU know, do you not?
Shran the Andorian: (sighs) They have the pie.
Soval the Vulcan: (shouting) The PIE? (remembers that he's a Vulcan, and calms himself by counting to ten) What are you talking about?
Ted the Tellarite: The pie! The pie! Don't be dim! We must have the pie!
Soval the Vulcan: (genuinely baffled, and getting a headache to boot) What pie?
T'Pol the Vulcan: PECAN pie, of course. A Terran dessert. Where have you been? The entire quadrant is talking about it.
Roger the Rigellian: Ah, yes, of course. How could I have forgotten? Access to the pie is critical. The Federation Council should be headquartered on Earth.
Krem the Ferengi: The pie! Yes, the pie! Our home planet will not participate without the pie.
T'Pol the Vulcan: Be quiet! You aren't even supposed to be here.
Archer the Human: Yeah, who ARE you anyway?
T'Pol the Vulcan: It does not matter. (to Krem) Go away!
[Krem the Ferengi slinks away.]
Shran the Andorian: That guy looked familiar.
Orville the Orion: What is so special about this pie? I've never heard of it. The Federation should be based in our system. After all, we have slave girls.
Archer the Human: (perking up) Slave girls?
Soval the Vulcan: (muttering under his breath) Barbarians. (remembers that he's a Vulcan, and calms himself by going into a meditative trance)
T'Pol the Vulcan: (snapping at Archer) Slave girls do not appeal to everyone. (remembers that she's a Vulcan, and...oh, never mind...) The majority of the potential participants have expressed more of an interest in the pie.
Klaang the Klingon: (pounds the table with his fist) I, too, have never heard of this pie. It must be similar to rokeg blood pie. Give me some now.
T'Pol the Vulcan nods to a nearby Yeoman, who leaves the room, and quickly returns with a pecan pie and some plates. She (because it's a she, of course) serves the pie.
Orville the Orion: (with gusto) This is remarkable! I agree - this beats out the slave girls. I vote that the Federation should be based on Earth, near the pie.
Klaang the Klingon: (scoops a handful of pecan pie into his mouth and chomps for a moment, then roars and spews the pie all over the table. Some of it spatters on Soval, but he is deep in his meditative trance and remains oblivious) P'taks! Disgusting! The Klingons will never compromise our honor by associating with anyone who eats this garbage! This is an outrage! When the High Council hears about this...
Klaang shoves his chair out from under him. It crashes to the floor. He stalks menacingly over to Archer and grabs him by the collar.
Klaang the Klingon: (to Archer) You have made an enemy today! By introducing this foul substance to the quadrant, you have destroyed any chance of having peaceful relations with the Klingon Empire for at least a century. If we meet again, I WILL kill you where you stand.
[Klaang the Klingon drops Archer the Human unceremoniously and storms out of the room.]
T'Pol the Vulcan: Very well, then. Let's take a vote. All in favor of basing the new Federation on Earth say 'aye.'
Archer the Human: Aye! (secretly vows to inquire about the slave girls later)
Shran the Andorian: (with his antennae waving furiously as he consumes the pie) Aye.
Roger the Rigellian: Aye!
Orville the Orion: Aye!
Soval the Vulcan:
Ted the Tellarite: (is rooting around on his plate with his snout, but looks up long enough to open his pie-filled mouth) Aah!
T'Pol the Vulcan: So be it. The new United Federation of Planets will have Earth as its base of operations. We will meet in San Francisco in one week.
Archer the Human: I'll bring the pie!
And so it began...
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